Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Too Hide From My Twisted Ways.

Blargity blarg blarg blarrrr blarg. Got my iPod from the car, freezing effing cold! I'm not even kidding, and my mind is like racing faster than I think I can even fit it together right now. So I apologize if this one is a little scattered.

My phone for one is ringing off the hook, well not ringing but everyone seems to want to get ahold of me lately. For something or another, and some of it I bring onto myself. But I fffffreaking miss my droid cuz then I'd know who and what everyone would send me at least, it hardly ever got full and plus I miss my damn GPS!!!!

Got my lovely headphones that my brother got me for Christmas last year on, epic bass and loudness. I really wish that I could go to one of those epic mosh pits we used to have around here. The ones at the theater in american fork, and with all the cool kids that didn't hardcore dance and act like retards and just a jolly good time. You know the times when you could buy a $4 pack of smokes and you could sell each smoke for $1 at the shows? Yeah those kinda good times. When you got to wear all the eyeliner you wanted to, regardless of your gender and no one would call you an emo fag or anything.

Skips 4 songs in a row....

Dude, today just isn't my day. Mad bad anxiety since this morning, pain and epic mind confusion, can't seem to keep up with myself on some days. Oh hey, random number wanting to know whats up. I don't know you. Keep awayyyy.
But for serious today work was dreaded, my subway boss doesn't feel like replying if I have a schedule this week. But it'd be cool to know if I did seeing as how the uniform was a $25 deposit from my first check and I could use that money. I could use a lot of money. I really need to get another job, but I've already got two and one isn't paying me enough.
I want to scream, but I know it would do me no good. So I turn up my iPod and pretend that I'm at this concert that I've seen several times before, because they are that good. (:
I want to get another tattoo, just to take away from what I'm feeling, but I don't have enough money this time around. Maybe some time soon, just another thing I need to put back money for.  That and to clear my stupid over draft at the bank, to clear the money I owe Mindy and Sprint, maybe sell my contract and get onto something better but I likeddd my phone. Stupid family phone sprint you can stick it where the sun doesn't shine and then back again. Endless loop of confusion and pure anxiety bliss. I'm so glad that I've got this down to a less than painful freakout, I am glad I still have my anxiety pills but I need to ride it out so its not soooo emotionally draining for later tonight.

Why is it, I'm curious that nothing in my life can be remotely simple? That certain parts of my personality have just been slipping over the past few years? I mean I know its all from experiences and life, but parts of me that I really enjoyed have started to fade and I really wish those parts would reappear and be like, "just kidding..you found me." and then all the bad parts could just disappear and never come back again? That'd be awesome, I'm going to look into figuring that one out.

Escape. That's what I need, a paid escape from everything, maybe not even paid, just an escape from reality and what I'm used to for like an hour or two. Nothing too drastic, just enough for me to be able to breathe and not cringe on what is to come tomorrow. I want to get pierced and tattooed and drunk, happy drunk. Just for a night, not have to worry about anything for like 24 hours. Just be like it used to be.

Got my Christmas cards out and everything. Need to figure out lists, lists of who they need to be sent to. I know I'm behind, but oh look my phone went off again. Bahhhhhh skipping this song. Motion City I'm really not in the mood for you lately.  Killwhitneydead, yes you are what I want. That's my current mood. I used to be able to judge peoples personalities from what music they liked or were listening to at the time. I still do musical emotions with what I listen to on a daily basis. If I'm in a good mood then I'll put on something happy and friendly, if I'm stressed out then Killwhitneydead is what I shall listen to. "Where there's smoke" is playing currently. Sad that its a small song, but the breakdown at the end is brilliant.  NIN will work too, I remember my NIN days. They remind me of my first bf and my first sincere boy best friend, who I don't get to see anymore. :( Which completely blows by the way. Me and Chris had waaaay too many fun times. But he's got a different life now, and other things to do than me. :/

Trent Reznor, how I love you.

Still haven't found the majority of my clothes, jeans and especially you know EVERYTHING ELSE. I know it got moved, cuz I only had a few bags in my room and most of them were blankets :(  Incubus, I love you but you are too calm and collective for my thought process right now. I appreciate the thought though, you are still one of my favorites. But only with Craig Owens. Without Craig you guys just blow chunks.

Chiodos reminds me of the good times. I got to see them while Craig was still singing a few years ago, before he quit for D.R.U.G.S. Was fucking fantastic. "Together. Together we will float like angels."
Really though, so much love.

I'm going to have so many quotes on my body before I get done with my tattoo's.

Chiodos. Craig. You make my entire world better.

December is too cold

Well kids, its now December and its definitely feeling like it. It finally snowed, and I say "finally" with sorrowful filled words, mostly since it couldn't be colder. I don't have anything hard to knock on right now, but if I did, please don't jinx.
McDonalds however is working out quite nicely. Weird hours though, and little hours too :(  I'm working on getting nicer ones, and longer ones (: Like today/night, I worked until 2am, and Bekkah worked until 4am, really weird working that late. Has decided I officially hate Playland, there is nothing magical left about McDonalds. Nor do they have those little plastic playland balls anymore, sad. Getting on, its the most HORRIBLE little place to clean in the world. And ours has to be open until 2am, which means those irresponsible parents that come in at 9pm and let their little brats run all over carnation for 2 1/2 hours (yes, it happens) get to fully live up to their irresponsibility and let them make a huge effing mess that I just cleaned up. Its like, "oh this table is clean, along side that one that's alll the way across the room?...SURE, I'll mess both of them up. And I will drop french fries and smear ketchup on everything I touch!" For serious, every where that I had previously cleaned....dirty. :/ I hate people. Then after I finally got to mop everything, these group of teenagers come in and play ball while I'm mopping. I'm just like, "hey, wait 10 mins..." nope. I keel you.

I was a significantly nice person though, and picked up my lovely Bekkah from work at 4am so her mother didn't have to. Did I mention it was 10˚ when I went to get her? That's too COLD utah, I don't care who you are, how long you've been here. 10˚ is unacceptable, I demand a do-over. Like, how about you give us snow on Christmas, maybbeee for New Years and then the rest of the year and until may you just don't like snow AT ALL, and you can just be kinda cold. Like a warm fall breeze kinda cool?? Sound like a good negotiation? I think so. (:

So in other news, the Truck is really fixed this time. Its working, but the heater isn't too warm, it defrosts but again, the weather too cold. I've decided to wear layers, and by layers I mean clothing layers and then jacket layers. (: Seems to work efficiently, at least until me and this snow guy work out this new season called, "not too cold until may weather."  When that deal goes down things will be working brilliantly.

Speaking of brilliantly, I worked out the main numbers and I figure if me and Bekkah want a place by summer than we're gonna have to work our asses off and put back like $200-$250 a month for about 6 or 7 months to afford and have good credit towards a Townhouse or even just a HOUSE. Cuz we need one in the direct, Provo, Springville, Orem area for sure. Anywhere else would just be a waste of gas and money that we really don't have a lot of money for. Also, its going to total out being about $3050 a piece to move out, and into someplace decent. January savings, here we come!

I just hope by January I have a decent income and I can afford insurance cuz my stupid gallbladder is really giving me a nice run for my lack of health insurance. Obama, you fail me. I'm for serious though, unless I have some proof that I jumped a boarder or something, or I get a really bad tan then I'm probably not gonna trick anyone into thinking that I'm really really broke for state provided insurance, which is really unfair by the way. Especially since mine is really been hurting lately, along side of a bunch of other things its not particularly fun or amazing of any kind of sorts except how badly it seems to hurt every other day. Blaghhh, just another thing I suppose.

Oh well, in perspective of everything lately I guess worse things could be going on, I suppose my parents could of said no to letting me move back in and I could still be with my d-bag roommates that don't know how to have real human conversations? Or I could of just kept putting up with other roommates' bullshit of an excuse to be like-ish human as possible. Idk, all I know is it's almost 8am and I'm still up. I'm actually up long enough for mom to bitch at me for not folding the clothes I took outta the dryer while saying, "I fold every single one of these clothes.." I figured it was probably a bad time to say, "Cool Story..." yeah, probably.

Going to sleep now. Ends in something interesting that leaves you completely amazed and bewildered. Also something that makes you want to sign into your google account and follow my bloggity blog cuz, hey man. I'm what they call entertainment. (:

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Le Werkz

Well, hello my dear readers.
As many of you know, for the last few months I've had quite the hardship with jobs and money and things. First Teleperformance (who can suck-it btw), they fired me because of a supervisor mistake, mostly because she was an ignorant bitch that didn't know how to do her job efficiently, but we won't go much into it than that (: --and the job with Subway, which is still lingering in existence that I got the day I KNEW I was getting fired at Telewhatever.
I'm not quite sure if I still have a job with Subway or not. This is what happened though:
I asked my boss, who by the way is 6 years younger than I am, and is still using his parents car, that I wanted to know what I worked all the next week on Saturday. Two days beforehand, like what my Mon-Fri schedule was. He said he would text it to me. HE NEVER DID.
Then like I guess two hours after I was supposed to be there, he says, "oh you missed your shift, I'm taking you off the schedule." I seriously lost it. And after three long grueling hours of going back and forth, he says, "okay, well I'll text you when you are back on the schedule." Here's the best part about it though, the next night, like... idk 10 hours after this bullshit he calls managing, he shoots me another text about 6pm the next night asking if I'm going to be showing up for my evening shift. Then leaves me a voice mail saying if I don't show up I'm fired. I simply told him, "YOU TOOK ME OFF THE SCHEDULE, REMEMBER?!?" He didn't text me, I tried calling him. He didn't call me back. I texted his boss to ask him what was up, his only response was, "You tried talking to him right?" -why no, I just thought the whole world revolved around me and everyone was thinking of me, so I didn't even think to TALK to the guy. I told him exactly what happened and then phrased it like so, "Yes, I've called him and texted him. Its getting ridiculous.  He says what he wants to and then just ignores me whenever I respond back to him. Its like being in high school all over again! This is really unprofessional." Didn't hear from him again either. Soooooo, I really have no idea if I'm still hired or not. Didn't sign anything, or get word that I was fired sooo in all good retrospect, I really have no idea where that job is. I'd really like to know though, because my mom keeps asking if I've heard from them like every single day...

Today though, or I guess Yesterday-November 29th was my first day at McDonalds. For the first like 3 hours I sat on my ass in this extremely uncomfortable chair, and watched these damn orientation movies telling me about cross-contamination and how to treat rude guests, (things I neverrrr ever thought to know from my other 8+ years in fast food restaurant jobs) and I completed all my tests and then they had me clean the entire lobby for the remainder of my shift.
I sincerely started out saying to myself, "yay, I've got a job and a REAL paycheck now.." and I believe half way through sweeping with quite the fail broom, "this job doesn't pay me enough". Also, I remember these two boys that sat at this one table while I was cleaning around them for like 15 minutes, listening to really crappy trance music and talking about shit, and I looked over at one of these individuals while I was cleaning the tables, and I really said in my head, "dude, you are inside a building and its DARK outside, take off the damn sunglasses." lol. Then they left me their trash to pick up after them. >.> Keel.

In other news though I had a really great time with my bestfriend Bekkah tonight (:
We totally had a girls night out, and went out to eat and sat through mostly horrible karaoke night at Applebee's and talked about putting money away for an apartment and at LEAST 6 months of rent for it. Its gonna be brilliant! (: We're gonna get a townhouse, and I'm stoked. At least somettthing is going good with that. Plus we work at the same place and its super easy, I hope we both get raises soon that'd be super awesome. I'm kinda scared for the Holidays though, its gonna be brutal. Shhh, that doesn't count as one. Inside joke....with an older person.. he doesn't have an online account. I win. Goodnight. :D

Saturday, November 26, 2011


Deprivation; The lack or denial of something considered to be a necessity.
Mine is sleep.
Apparently the Black Friday schedule hangs its claws in deep. Unfortunately for me though, I have to be up ready, showered and presents wrapped before 1pm, otherwise Aaron is leaving my ass.
But I figured, as long as this sleep thing stays, imma update this shit.
2nd post of the night here I come. :D

So a while back, I'd say a good couple years I became interested in the things that terrified me the most.
In all good retrospect, I'm a pretty deep onion, (cool story for the Shrek reference right?) I have fears and things that haunt me, just like any other fun and mental person out there. (: I have OCD moments and panic attacks, but I never really could grasp anything real that gave me any kind of "faith".
I had always clung to, the "undesirables", as my Dad would call them, like the people with baggage, or issues not yet dealt with. And I'd be their best friend, and I'd sit and listen to their problems and try and give them honestly just good advice, whether they listened or not I didn't really have power over that.
But since I was young, I could pick up on peoples feelings more-so then the average person. When people were sad, it hit my gut more than anything. I was like a pregnant lady, all hormonal over countless things.
A good period of my life, (I'm going somewhere with this I swear) I was a complete and utter shithead. I had no regard for anyone else's feelings but my own, and I really got away with a lot of stupid and reckless shit. It was in the "Die Young & Saveyourself" stage, that a few, not many, but some are aware of. And during this period, I blocked out a lot of that 'empathy' stuff, I didn't really feel like living was that great of an option, so I made it clear that whatever happened, happened.  But through all the chaos and maddness, I again pulled through. Eventually, my good karma ran out though, got myself in trouble and the people I trusted the most just pretty much bailed. But again, life lessons....

Anyways, back to my point... I had always had this really great Empathy for people, and I could always take feelings that people had and magnify it somehow, and take hold of it. A lot of my anxieties came from this, because earlier on, I had no idea why I could do this, and no clue of how to control it. I started to figure it out, while dating my ex roommate, (sadly) who had this horrible toothache issue. Every so often it would flare up, sometimes without any warning and it would just be pounding aching pain for hours and hours with no avail to ever give up. At the time, I was rather fond of him, and I laid next to him trying whatever I could to get rid of his pain. I was too, at a rather less than sober state, and was unable to really relieve any of the previously known pain in his mouth.
Though, many days later, right where I had a root canal, same side of his pain, general area it fucking hurt so bad that I thought I'd keel over in pain. Later, I had to get surgery on it, but now looking back on it, I had made a spell in my head, not really knowing it to take it away, reduce it and make it gone.

Ironically, I had a lot of friends that were into the Craft, without really knowing it or realizing it I kept finding them around me. Many of my friends were friends of friends and you know the cycle, but I looked at them for advice, and one of my REALLY good friends, a more experienced Witch, gave me the basics to what I wanted to know about the Craft. And I think the thing I liked most about the 'idea' at the time was the, "take what you want from it, and leave the rest" thing.  A lot of people go into the Craft, or get into just to do spells; which I mean makes sense, everyone wants something at one point, without having to do much but wish for it, or ask for it. Those people though, don't hardly get too far, because without working for it somehow and earning it, there isn't much to give or get. 
So I was invited, into a book club for starters, my first real look into what I am, and what I've always been. Some people might think differently, like we're evil or a cult or some other kind of gargin, but I could say the same thing about what they believe. I might not know everything and what I tell them, they can always choose not to listen, but that's their perspective and their effort on the subject.  When people openly choose not to listen I usually quit, I'm not one to knock on their doors and interrupt their dinners to tell them things they don't want to hear. *Ahem* (:

But in all honesty, I enjoy knowing these things now. I may not be the best at what I am, but I'm working towards it, and there are constantly new things to learn about the Craft and other aspects of it. There's evil parts and positive parts, I don't ever dab into the Satanism, because its just bad karma looking for a piece of you to grasp onto. Some people that I know, very advanced people know how to handle that kind of karma, and manipulate it to work with them, instead of against them. But that's far beyond me, and I have no reason to use that kind of Dark Magik, so I just don't (:
I have learned to control I guess you could call it my gift; empathy or an Empath, and I'm learning to use it (for good of course) with Telekinesis, and other kinds of healing or good things like that.  
I've always been told and taught to treat people, like you'd like to be treated. And sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, for everything else in-between there's Karma, and that works, for sure.

I'm sure I will speak more of this in later thoughts, in the mean time, do some homework, find the greater in what you believe, there's holes in a lot of religious things out there. Spiritual or non, religious or atheist, there's connections everywhere. You just need to open your eyes and notice the things happening around you.

I love this new world I've woken up to see.
So mote be (:

Spirit Guides

Over the last few years, I've found myself in the Pagan, or Neo-Pagan religion. Yes, its really a religion, no I'm not just talking out of my ass. (:
While speaking with an old friend, ironically I might add, I was reading this article online: "Connecting With Your Spirit Guide", and if you read through it then it kind of makes you more aware of how life speaks to you.
I have a friend that knows exactly what their Spirit Guide looks like, knows where to look for him, and has seen him on a many of occasions since a very young age, possibly further back then should be remembered. But, in my eyes that person is pretty advanced in their Craft as well, so its not too surprising really. However, I've been trying to extend my knowledge and I guess, "catch up" in what I've been lagging in, and though I've never seen mine, I know when its around. There's been several occasions that before, I would of thought was just coincidence or a "miracle" that a said instance didn't happen or did. But when I look back on it, I always have the option to ignore my gut, or go against the grain as some would call it, and sometimes I had but even through my stubbornest acts, I've been I guess spared. That is magik to me.

Also, just found out why I've loved the Heartagram but not H.I.M for so long. Epic reminders of what was to be, that's also considered magik.

Happy Findings.
So mote it be. (:

Friday, November 25, 2011

Black Friday

Hello My Dears,

Lots and lots have changed over the past year, so lets recollect yeah?
Moved out in the beginning of the year. Was going to move out with my best friend (at the time) and boyfriend. -Well this bf turned out to be a cheating, no good liar-face.

But with that, also brought a new best friend whom I love and cherish dearly.  Its rather ironic, how such horrible and un-human circumstances bring people closer. Especially since we started out hating one another, and ended up loving each other.

Did end up moving out, it only lasted a sad 7 months until my "best friend", decided to act like a complete and utter jackass.  After the fun charade of knocking up his girlfriend-- about a month or so after we moved in, things were definitely changing, and not for the better due to his participation. We did get to own a kitty-kat, which this is definitely named after, Mow-Mow, whom I LOVED dearly.

She was a great buddy in the house of horrors. Turns out my "best friend" doesn't know how to clean, do dishes or even pick up after himself--and is completely oblivious to the fact that when its 90 degrees outside, its often 95 or more inside.
Into the summer seasons, around I want to say mid-June our cooling system completely broke down, and it was into our best interest to fix it. Which we never did, so I ran fans around the house which he was certain made our electricity so high---NOT. But in fact it was his COMPUTER that he left running 90% of the time, during the day and into the night. So since we had such a small upstairs condo, it was in fact hotter and small, neither one being good attributes to humidity or stupidity.
Needless to say, throughout the heat, and the childish behavior and money arguments, one last straw and I was out. Which by the way, was one July morning I believe when I woke up to go to work, and I went into the bathroom and the toilet was completely over-flowing onto the bathroom floor.  So that was it, not only was the place a total disaster, for me, him and his girlfriend that had moved in, don't know how she dealt with it all, really. But I was done and gone, I cleaned up what I could of the swamp disaster and had all my stuff out by the end of the day. Spent a week at my boyfriend's apartment, college housing none the less, and moved into more college housing across the street later on. Not only did our contract get messed up, but that kid blamed me for the toilet and a bunch of other stuff,  ridiculous, outrageous things at that.   >.< To say the very least, he let my bank account have it.

College housing wasn't any better. For about a week, it was only me and one other girl there, which was swell. Then the kids starting piling in, and turns out I knew one of the girls that moved in, which I thought was going to be awesome. Turns out I was wrong. Then a set of sisters moved in, they were decent people, but very immature and unaware of how to act civil.  Oh yeah, and after having an issue earlier this exact year, (being diagnosed with gallstones) my job for one month short of a year also deteriorated, as such they (Teleperformance) have no humanity towards their employee's, I was "let go", as my manager put it, soundly sheepish and ashamed on the phone. Like he expected me to hex him, or start bitching him out...like, I had wanted to--but held back from doing. ---That day though, I had gotten myself hired at a Local Subway, knowing the end was nearing and I had to do whatever to keep my place of residence near. Though, as all things that didn't turn out to be very successful - as such after about 3 1/2 months of that, I am again residing at my parents house back in Springville, until I can afford another adventure out on my own.

Bits and pieces unmentioned, my beloved Civic died sometime in October, which I'm still currently trying to sell- and the truck that Tom and his brother Will have been trying to fix up---I finally fixed and his mother is selling to me is done, and hopefully will be legal this weekend. (:
Oh yeah, and me and Thomas are back together, as most of you well know. Things between friends are reconciled, and others are gone. People come and go, but those who care will always remain where need them the most.

Life lessons suck, but I've learned a lot this year. Thankfully, I still have people around me that care. Hopefully I will be adding more to this blog soon! Thanks for listening/reading. Hope everyone had a Happy and Safe Thanksgiving. <3