Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Too Hide From My Twisted Ways.

Blargity blarg blarg blarrrr blarg. Got my iPod from the car, freezing effing cold! I'm not even kidding, and my mind is like racing faster than I think I can even fit it together right now. So I apologize if this one is a little scattered.

My phone for one is ringing off the hook, well not ringing but everyone seems to want to get ahold of me lately. For something or another, and some of it I bring onto myself. But I fffffreaking miss my droid cuz then I'd know who and what everyone would send me at least, it hardly ever got full and plus I miss my damn GPS!!!!

Got my lovely headphones that my brother got me for Christmas last year on, epic bass and loudness. I really wish that I could go to one of those epic mosh pits we used to have around here. The ones at the theater in american fork, and with all the cool kids that didn't hardcore dance and act like retards and just a jolly good time. You know the times when you could buy a $4 pack of smokes and you could sell each smoke for $1 at the shows? Yeah those kinda good times. When you got to wear all the eyeliner you wanted to, regardless of your gender and no one would call you an emo fag or anything.

Skips 4 songs in a row....

Dude, today just isn't my day. Mad bad anxiety since this morning, pain and epic mind confusion, can't seem to keep up with myself on some days. Oh hey, random number wanting to know whats up. I don't know you. Keep awayyyy.
But for serious today work was dreaded, my subway boss doesn't feel like replying if I have a schedule this week. But it'd be cool to know if I did seeing as how the uniform was a $25 deposit from my first check and I could use that money. I could use a lot of money. I really need to get another job, but I've already got two and one isn't paying me enough.
I want to scream, but I know it would do me no good. So I turn up my iPod and pretend that I'm at this concert that I've seen several times before, because they are that good. (:
I want to get another tattoo, just to take away from what I'm feeling, but I don't have enough money this time around. Maybe some time soon, just another thing I need to put back money for.  That and to clear my stupid over draft at the bank, to clear the money I owe Mindy and Sprint, maybe sell my contract and get onto something better but I likeddd my phone. Stupid family phone sprint you can stick it where the sun doesn't shine and then back again. Endless loop of confusion and pure anxiety bliss. I'm so glad that I've got this down to a less than painful freakout, I am glad I still have my anxiety pills but I need to ride it out so its not soooo emotionally draining for later tonight.

Why is it, I'm curious that nothing in my life can be remotely simple? That certain parts of my personality have just been slipping over the past few years? I mean I know its all from experiences and life, but parts of me that I really enjoyed have started to fade and I really wish those parts would reappear and be like, "just kidding..you found me." and then all the bad parts could just disappear and never come back again? That'd be awesome, I'm going to look into figuring that one out.

Escape. That's what I need, a paid escape from everything, maybe not even paid, just an escape from reality and what I'm used to for like an hour or two. Nothing too drastic, just enough for me to be able to breathe and not cringe on what is to come tomorrow. I want to get pierced and tattooed and drunk, happy drunk. Just for a night, not have to worry about anything for like 24 hours. Just be like it used to be.

Got my Christmas cards out and everything. Need to figure out lists, lists of who they need to be sent to. I know I'm behind, but oh look my phone went off again. Bahhhhhh skipping this song. Motion City I'm really not in the mood for you lately.  Killwhitneydead, yes you are what I want. That's my current mood. I used to be able to judge peoples personalities from what music they liked or were listening to at the time. I still do musical emotions with what I listen to on a daily basis. If I'm in a good mood then I'll put on something happy and friendly, if I'm stressed out then Killwhitneydead is what I shall listen to. "Where there's smoke" is playing currently. Sad that its a small song, but the breakdown at the end is brilliant.  NIN will work too, I remember my NIN days. They remind me of my first bf and my first sincere boy best friend, who I don't get to see anymore. :( Which completely blows by the way. Me and Chris had waaaay too many fun times. But he's got a different life now, and other things to do than me. :/

Trent Reznor, how I love you.

Still haven't found the majority of my clothes, jeans and especially you know EVERYTHING ELSE. I know it got moved, cuz I only had a few bags in my room and most of them were blankets :(  Incubus, I love you but you are too calm and collective for my thought process right now. I appreciate the thought though, you are still one of my favorites. But only with Craig Owens. Without Craig you guys just blow chunks.

Chiodos reminds me of the good times. I got to see them while Craig was still singing a few years ago, before he quit for D.R.U.G.S. Was fucking fantastic. "Together. Together we will float like angels."
Really though, so much love.

I'm going to have so many quotes on my body before I get done with my tattoo's.

Chiodos. Craig. You make my entire world better.

December is too cold

Well kids, its now December and its definitely feeling like it. It finally snowed, and I say "finally" with sorrowful filled words, mostly since it couldn't be colder. I don't have anything hard to knock on right now, but if I did, please don't jinx.
McDonalds however is working out quite nicely. Weird hours though, and little hours too :(  I'm working on getting nicer ones, and longer ones (: Like today/night, I worked until 2am, and Bekkah worked until 4am, really weird working that late. Has decided I officially hate Playland, there is nothing magical left about McDonalds. Nor do they have those little plastic playland balls anymore, sad. Getting on, its the most HORRIBLE little place to clean in the world. And ours has to be open until 2am, which means those irresponsible parents that come in at 9pm and let their little brats run all over carnation for 2 1/2 hours (yes, it happens) get to fully live up to their irresponsibility and let them make a huge effing mess that I just cleaned up. Its like, "oh this table is clean, along side that one that's alll the way across the room?...SURE, I'll mess both of them up. And I will drop french fries and smear ketchup on everything I touch!" For serious, every where that I had previously cleaned....dirty. :/ I hate people. Then after I finally got to mop everything, these group of teenagers come in and play ball while I'm mopping. I'm just like, "hey, wait 10 mins..." nope. I keel you.

I was a significantly nice person though, and picked up my lovely Bekkah from work at 4am so her mother didn't have to. Did I mention it was 10˚ when I went to get her? That's too COLD utah, I don't care who you are, how long you've been here. 10˚ is unacceptable, I demand a do-over. Like, how about you give us snow on Christmas, maybbeee for New Years and then the rest of the year and until may you just don't like snow AT ALL, and you can just be kinda cold. Like a warm fall breeze kinda cool?? Sound like a good negotiation? I think so. (:

So in other news, the Truck is really fixed this time. Its working, but the heater isn't too warm, it defrosts but again, the weather too cold. I've decided to wear layers, and by layers I mean clothing layers and then jacket layers. (: Seems to work efficiently, at least until me and this snow guy work out this new season called, "not too cold until may weather."  When that deal goes down things will be working brilliantly.

Speaking of brilliantly, I worked out the main numbers and I figure if me and Bekkah want a place by summer than we're gonna have to work our asses off and put back like $200-$250 a month for about 6 or 7 months to afford and have good credit towards a Townhouse or even just a HOUSE. Cuz we need one in the direct, Provo, Springville, Orem area for sure. Anywhere else would just be a waste of gas and money that we really don't have a lot of money for. Also, its going to total out being about $3050 a piece to move out, and into someplace decent. January savings, here we come!

I just hope by January I have a decent income and I can afford insurance cuz my stupid gallbladder is really giving me a nice run for my lack of health insurance. Obama, you fail me. I'm for serious though, unless I have some proof that I jumped a boarder or something, or I get a really bad tan then I'm probably not gonna trick anyone into thinking that I'm really really broke for state provided insurance, which is really unfair by the way. Especially since mine is really been hurting lately, along side of a bunch of other things its not particularly fun or amazing of any kind of sorts except how badly it seems to hurt every other day. Blaghhh, just another thing I suppose.

Oh well, in perspective of everything lately I guess worse things could be going on, I suppose my parents could of said no to letting me move back in and I could still be with my d-bag roommates that don't know how to have real human conversations? Or I could of just kept putting up with other roommates' bullshit of an excuse to be like-ish human as possible. Idk, all I know is it's almost 8am and I'm still up. I'm actually up long enough for mom to bitch at me for not folding the clothes I took outta the dryer while saying, "I fold every single one of these clothes.." I figured it was probably a bad time to say, "Cool Story..." yeah, probably.

Going to sleep now. Ends in something interesting that leaves you completely amazed and bewildered. Also something that makes you want to sign into your google account and follow my bloggity blog cuz, hey man. I'm what they call entertainment. (: