Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Too Hide From My Twisted Ways.

Blargity blarg blarg blarrrr blarg. Got my iPod from the car, freezing effing cold! I'm not even kidding, and my mind is like racing faster than I think I can even fit it together right now. So I apologize if this one is a little scattered.

My phone for one is ringing off the hook, well not ringing but everyone seems to want to get ahold of me lately. For something or another, and some of it I bring onto myself. But I fffffreaking miss my droid cuz then I'd know who and what everyone would send me at least, it hardly ever got full and plus I miss my damn GPS!!!!

Got my lovely headphones that my brother got me for Christmas last year on, epic bass and loudness. I really wish that I could go to one of those epic mosh pits we used to have around here. The ones at the theater in american fork, and with all the cool kids that didn't hardcore dance and act like retards and just a jolly good time. You know the times when you could buy a $4 pack of smokes and you could sell each smoke for $1 at the shows? Yeah those kinda good times. When you got to wear all the eyeliner you wanted to, regardless of your gender and no one would call you an emo fag or anything.

Skips 4 songs in a row....

Dude, today just isn't my day. Mad bad anxiety since this morning, pain and epic mind confusion, can't seem to keep up with myself on some days. Oh hey, random number wanting to know whats up. I don't know you. Keep awayyyy.
But for serious today work was dreaded, my subway boss doesn't feel like replying if I have a schedule this week. But it'd be cool to know if I did seeing as how the uniform was a $25 deposit from my first check and I could use that money. I could use a lot of money. I really need to get another job, but I've already got two and one isn't paying me enough.
I want to scream, but I know it would do me no good. So I turn up my iPod and pretend that I'm at this concert that I've seen several times before, because they are that good. (:
I want to get another tattoo, just to take away from what I'm feeling, but I don't have enough money this time around. Maybe some time soon, just another thing I need to put back money for.  That and to clear my stupid over draft at the bank, to clear the money I owe Mindy and Sprint, maybe sell my contract and get onto something better but I likeddd my phone. Stupid family phone sprint you can stick it where the sun doesn't shine and then back again. Endless loop of confusion and pure anxiety bliss. I'm so glad that I've got this down to a less than painful freakout, I am glad I still have my anxiety pills but I need to ride it out so its not soooo emotionally draining for later tonight.

Why is it, I'm curious that nothing in my life can be remotely simple? That certain parts of my personality have just been slipping over the past few years? I mean I know its all from experiences and life, but parts of me that I really enjoyed have started to fade and I really wish those parts would reappear and be like, "just kidding..you found me." and then all the bad parts could just disappear and never come back again? That'd be awesome, I'm going to look into figuring that one out.

Escape. That's what I need, a paid escape from everything, maybe not even paid, just an escape from reality and what I'm used to for like an hour or two. Nothing too drastic, just enough for me to be able to breathe and not cringe on what is to come tomorrow. I want to get pierced and tattooed and drunk, happy drunk. Just for a night, not have to worry about anything for like 24 hours. Just be like it used to be.

Got my Christmas cards out and everything. Need to figure out lists, lists of who they need to be sent to. I know I'm behind, but oh look my phone went off again. Bahhhhhh skipping this song. Motion City I'm really not in the mood for you lately.  Killwhitneydead, yes you are what I want. That's my current mood. I used to be able to judge peoples personalities from what music they liked or were listening to at the time. I still do musical emotions with what I listen to on a daily basis. If I'm in a good mood then I'll put on something happy and friendly, if I'm stressed out then Killwhitneydead is what I shall listen to. "Where there's smoke" is playing currently. Sad that its a small song, but the breakdown at the end is brilliant.  NIN will work too, I remember my NIN days. They remind me of my first bf and my first sincere boy best friend, who I don't get to see anymore. :( Which completely blows by the way. Me and Chris had waaaay too many fun times. But he's got a different life now, and other things to do than me. :/

Trent Reznor, how I love you.

Still haven't found the majority of my clothes, jeans and especially you know EVERYTHING ELSE. I know it got moved, cuz I only had a few bags in my room and most of them were blankets :(  Incubus, I love you but you are too calm and collective for my thought process right now. I appreciate the thought though, you are still one of my favorites. But only with Craig Owens. Without Craig you guys just blow chunks.

Chiodos reminds me of the good times. I got to see them while Craig was still singing a few years ago, before he quit for D.R.U.G.S. Was fucking fantastic. "Together. Together we will float like angels."
Really though, so much love.

I'm going to have so many quotes on my body before I get done with my tattoo's.

Chiodos. Craig. You make my entire world better.

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